Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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