God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
