I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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