I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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