did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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