We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
