She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
