Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
