and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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