Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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