tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
