I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
...so i touched it.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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