very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
