So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
