never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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