What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
