Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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