If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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