Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
