How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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