If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
