youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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