Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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