My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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