A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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