i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
