I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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