i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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