Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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