I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
