just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize