opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
