Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
