This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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