you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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