I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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