your room smells of hookers.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.