I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding