I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet