Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
