I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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