so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
