its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
