I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
