I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
