Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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