just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
