What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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