I'm gonna have a badass scar
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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