Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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