Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
