i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
