Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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