why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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