I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
