Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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