make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
