i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
