I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
