The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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