I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
