he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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